Taking In What Matters...

I feel like I've turned into a boring old fart (yea coming from a drama queen). No seriously. Sure, I still love crazy, fun, wild activities but I like a lot of things organized now. There are some things I'm alright with doing in just the spur of a moment but at the same time, I like things scheduled so that I can arrange and manage my time well. I realized I've turned into a boring old fart and a sensitive one at that too when watching Oprah can actually put me into tears. When TV dramas can make my eyes all welled up and the fact that I can cry while reciting doa after prayers. Mun says I've gone soft. Maybe I have. Or maybe I have always been? Nahhhh! (Hellooo, I'm not even into quarter-life crisis yet! I need help!) It's hard juggling 3 homes(well campus is kinda home) and with family all over the place. Time for family, for friends and then of course the workload, it's a neverending exhaustion. Nevertheless, I'm still grateful for everything. I have shelter(s), a great family and wonderful friends.

I remember how tough last semester was for me. My parents were in Europe for 3 weeks... I had a computer room on fire where the whole top floor just turned into nothing but a huge space of blackness, a brother who required an operation to get his appendix removed and a bursting pipe that gave me a RM600 water bill. All that in a span of 3 weeks and it all just had to happen while my parents were away-- so much for luck. It was all precisely settled in just a week before my final exams and I was left with that much of time to study for everything plus an assignment to hand in. Me and dad had to keep the fire thing from my mom so she wouldn't be worried. I couldn't do that to her, not when she has sacrificed so much and finally getting her break. I swear it was the toughest time for me but I had unbelievable support from family and friends. That's why I treasure them so much. Thanks Makcik, Pakcik, Mak Busu, Pak Busu, Makngah Pakngah, Mak Teh, Sarah, Aunty Safiah, Mun... oh here I go again...

Also, there's the worrying too much about my future thing. Of what I'll be, of what I'll become, if my kids turn out right, if I have enough money to fund their education... if I ever get married even. Living off my dad so far has been pretty good. Hahah! I have savings I've made since I was a kid that can buy me a cheap brand new car in cash(trust me, all those little sen lying around, when accumulated can really get you somewhere, provided you never korek your tabung everlah!) and I still think it's not enough. It never will be enough, will it? Then I guess I'll have to save more.

I picture holding barbecues at my house where my parents and siblings and their families will sit together and have a good time. I love being with family. I love family gatherings. I love the sense of belonging it gives me. I've always dreamt of living by the countryside where all the greens, serenity and calmness is enough to get me going everyday; the view, the house, my significant other and kids. I have images of baking; making cupcakes and doing art with my kids, of reading bedtime stories to them before they go to bed. It's all images streaming along in my head. Then there's the mental picture of my girlfriends and I happily sipping coffee, trading stories and just having a bloody good time. And looking forward to a day out with my mom where we'd spend quality mother-daughter conversations like we do today-- well if I live further off that is, otherwise I'll bug her everyday. Hihihi!

What I imagine and have in mind feels so perfect that sometimes, it seems too far-fetched to realize. I worry about losing people I love before getting to do any of the above. I really do. I want it to be perfect. Everything. But that's tomorrow. Today, I'm counting my blessings. And tomorrow and the day after.... and everyday of my life I hope I'll always stop and take a moment to smell the roses.

And you... I'll still love you in the morning. Forever and ever baby =)

The boring old fart... signing off...

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see. --John Burroughs